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Isaac Newton Didn’t Have Any Damn Kids

Isaac Newton Didn’t Have Any Damn Kids

When lockdown began, this dumbass meme started circulating.

I mean, good for him. He changed science. He probably changed the consciousness of a nation and got into The Good Place. He just mosey’d on back to the family farm and just science’d and chilled for weeks on end.

BUT he didn’t have kids

To make his life even easier, he had servants catering to his every whim. If you had nothing to do, no chores, no diapers to change, no home schooling, no making sure the kids don’t fall of the damn couch every time you try to go to the bathroom, then maybe you’d get something done. Maybe you’d write that web series. Maybe you’d finally finish that blog post you’ve been working on for 2 weeks already. Maybe if you didn’t have to toilet train your 2 year old and follow him around the house holding the potty, you’d have time to sit down at your piano for the first time since the kid was born.

But how do I manage to write in this blog?

I’m writing this at 1:45am, after the kids have gone to bed, after I’ve picked up the house, after I’ve eaten MY dinner, and AFTER I finished work from my actual job. Where was my husband? Don’t go throwing him under the bus. He is working a 12 hour overnight shift at the moment and has to attend a staff meeting via Zoom as soon as his shift is over at 6am. He spent the whole day sleeping against the rage of his circadian rhythm. Ask anyone who works the night shift. It fucks with your brain and body. Let the man sleep.

I’m with Susanna on this one.

Then there’s Shakespeare, gawd.

Please, before you remind me he had a wife and kids, let me remind you he HAD A WIFE who probably took care of the damn kids by herself while he was holed up in his office with a thousand feather pens or something because that’s just what women were *supposed to do* back then.

I see them, my single and childless actor friends, on my Facebook feed, churning out video after hilarious video. Posting pictures of their clean AF kitchen and pristine notebook next to a cup of coffee and yeah, I’m a little bitter about it. I’m straight up JEALOUS. I wish I had the time. I wish I could sleep and take care of my skin and maybe do a yoga video. I just simply do not have the time. It’s not their fault. It is just what it is right now.

Don't worry about being that perfect mom during this time of crisis. You are doing a great job.

We can’t hire a babysitter for their safety and ours.

Our kids are too small to leave unattended for any amount of time. 

Playgrounds and schools and libraries and shops are closed.

I won’t be shamed or feel guilty for not indulging my creativity during this time of utter chaos, or throwing screen time limits out the window. And you shouldn’t, either.

You’re busy trying to keep the ship afloat in a storm (fine, TEMPEST, whatever) that has no foreseeable end.

You are stressed and anxious, possibly financially insecure, and probably don’t have the support you would have if it were just a normal day. This whole thing is hella scary.

The kids are fed? You’re doing a great job!

The kids only cried 2 times today? You’re doing a great job!

The TV babysat them for 30 minutes while you gave yourself a much needed coffee break? YOU’RE DOING A GREAT JOB.

No time for self care? The least you can do is show yourself some grace. #selfgrace

YOU are also a miracle. Every dimple, every stripe and stretch mark, every scar, and yes, even that forthcoming waddle is a marvelous creation. Your postpartum body is an entity made of so much more than you can even fathom, capable of infinite wonders.

You are doing a great job. <3


If you are feeling guilty about not having any time to do any of those extra projects because of lockdown, DON'T.
If you are feeling guilty about not having any time to do any of those extra projects because of lockdown, DON’T.
Draw So Cute by Wennie

Draw So Cute by Wennie

This post contains affiliate links.

Are you struggling to entertain your kids in quarantine? Thank goodness for YouTube tutorials. I just wanted to show some love to Wennie from DrawSoCute.com. She is an art teacher that specializes in kawaii style drawings. My friend Devon recommended her to me one morning while we were texting about how God-awful quarantine has been. She has two small girls the same ages as my little ones, so I trust her recommendations.

Wennie has a lot of tutorials on how to draw different things and going with this whole #quarantinedwithkids thing, of course my 4 year old decided to draw the hand sanitizer, LOL.

Here’s the video so you or your kids can draw one, too! I mean, you can’t find sanitizer in stores so I dunno what else to do.

All of my daughter’s crayons are literally busted and broken but we have a little silicone mold that we toss them into and bake at 250 degrees for about 15 minutes, or until we can see they’ve melted. Place the mold into the fridge or freezer for an additional 30 minutes (it helps to have it on a cookie sheet lined with foil) and BOOM – crayons. I’ll post my own tutorial on this another time, so keep an eye out for it!

Here is a list of materials that I recommend. Wennie has her own list, but I am making my recommendations based on the age of my own child. I do NOT want my 4 year old playing with Sharpies, we just painted our living room, LOL!

Make sure you visit Wennie! Tell her I sent you!

Kids and Quarantine, WOOF.

Kids and Quarantine, WOOF.

Photo by Jeff Hendricks on Unsplash

This is starting to get old real quick.

I look out the window and see the effin squirrels chasing each other around and I’ve never been so jealous of a rodent in my entire life. Those sunflower munching sons of bitches.

I guess a global house arrest is one way to come back to blogging. The last time I blogged I only had one kid, haha!

Kid1 is 4.5 and just cannot understand why we can’t go to the playground or her favorite toy store. She is so disappointed that we can’t do all of the things we used to do. The last thing we did was go to the local sweet shop and get a chocolate covered Oreo and pretzel (and a 25 mg CBD chocolate for me – yeah, I knew what was coming LOL) She misses her friends and is starting to turn into a feral animal due to this global house arrest. Hasn’t started gnawing on the furniture (yet).

Kid2 is 19 months old and has no idea what’s going on. Lucky her. And she still take a 3 hour nap every day. Ugh, she has THE LIFE right now. Her big sis is home all day to play with her and that’s both her joy and pain in the ass all rolled into one, LOL.

I didn’t bother picking up a learning packet from school. My entire body wretches at the thought of homeschooling. MAD props to those who can do it. I just CANNOT. So I don’t.

Here’s what we have been doing:

  1. Cooking. Kid1 loves to help with breakfast. I put her in charge of the scrambled eggs (I supervise, relax.) and they turned out pretty good! I couldn’t find flour anywhere last week and my Amazon order got canceled. Luckily the local artisanal market has some so our eventual cookies and muffins are gonna taste extra fancy!
  2. Painting. We painted ONCE. Biggest mistake of this quarantine. Do not recommend, LOL. The next time I let them paint it will be when it’s warm enough to turn a hose on them.
  3. Watching a lot of Frozen and Olaf’s Christmas Adventure. The kids aren’t into Frozen 2 but I LOVE it!! I haven’t even been able to watch it the whole way through without someone crying or whining or whatever.
  4. Kid1 has been writing and illustrating her own stories! She’s maybe written about 10 stories and drawn over 200 pictures. I’m so proud of the little artist she’s turning out to be!
  5. Texting family members. This is how she’s going to learn how to spell, I swear. She asks me how to spell what she wants to say and we sound out every letter.
  6. I let her dad and Sesame St. deal with teaching her math. I don’t do/will not do/cannot do math. I have a recurring nightmare that I never graduated because of a math class. Face your fears, bla bla bla, we have enough to fear right now.
  7. I’m wildly allergic to any sort physical activity so I let their dad take them outdoors to skate and run in the empty parking lot close by. I’ll walk for hours days and weeks but for the love of God, please don’t ask me to run.
  8. I’ve been lecturing my older family members to stay inside and to fact check everything they come across on the internet. #saveaboomer
  9. Screen time rules are nonexistent. Unless you scream in my face and then your tablet is gone gone gone until the next day.

We don’t have a schedule. We barely have a bedtime anymore. I’m so stressed out and my anxiety keeps me awake most nights. This whole thing sucks. I don’t have to tell you that. Whatever we can do to make home a happy and less stressful place to be is what I’m doing to do.

To those who are able to schedule and homeschool, keep on doing what you’re doing. I admire that kind of discipline. Our kids will be fine. They are watching us uplift and care for them and our neighbors. Their generation might be defined by this pandemic, but not because of fear or disease, but because of the complete outpouring of love and support we have given each other.

We can do this!!! See you on the other side!

Toddler Activities With Science Tots – All About Anatomy!

Toddler Activities With Science Tots – All About Anatomy!

Are you looking for fun and educational toddler activities?

I’m so excited to work with the non-profit Science Tots for this post! The kid and I love art and she’s starting to identify parts of her body (eye, nose, ears, etc.) so I thought this project would be perfect to reinforce what she’s learning. And maybe it would keep her fingers out of my eyes and nose for a little while. I have been on the hunt for some educational toddler activities, and this one was perfect!

Since she’s just 19 months old, I was concerned she wouldn’t stay still long enough for me to trace the the shape of her body on poster board (holy moly this kid never stops moving, she never sits down!) so I thought that it would be a good idea to trace around her teddy bear, just so she gets an idea of what we were trying to accomplish.

I traced Mr. Taydee Bear on some orange construction paper. (kiddo loves orange)

I drew in Taydee’s facial features and asked her to point out his eyes, ears, mouth, and nose!

Next, I traced the dog. Little fella is 10 and has little patience for anything but he was a good sport. As to not annoy him too much I tried to work as quickly as possible.

It’s obvious that I could have done better, haha!

Quickly, I  sketched in his face. Again, I could have done better. Good thing the dog doesn’t really care.

Next, I lay D down on the poster board and she miraculously stayed still long enough for me to trace around her! I drew in her facial features and as evidenced by this next picture, she judged my artwork harshly. Usually I’m a better artist than this but when dealing with an almost non-existent attention span you gotta toss technique out the window.

I added the ears and handed my daughter a crayon so she could draw her hair or across her face.

She chose to draw wounds on her eyeballs and remain bald.

I taped her art on the wall so she could admire it and color as she saw fit. Look at the wall. LOOK AT IT. (sigh)

Since she was holding Taydee Bear, he made it onto her final poster as well!

This activity was a lot of fun and a bit challenging for both of us, mostly because of her short attention span. I would love to re-visit this project when she gets older. D knows the difference between her head and her hair, her chin and neck, hands, feet, bellybutton, eyes, nose, cheeks, mouth and ears. But she thinks her toes are “piggies” since that’s what I call them, haha!

For more projects and toddler activities, visit ScienceTots’ “Try This At Home” page!

Looking for a gift idea? What about a Superhero Kids Portrait!

Looking for a gift idea? What about a Superhero Kids Portrait!

What if you could make your child into a superhero?

Check this out. Isn’t this the coolest thing you’ve ever seen?!

If you’re looking for a gift for a great kid in your life, look no further! What about a customized superhero kids portrait of your favorite kiddos? Every kid wants to be a superhero! I know I did. My superhero power would definitely include flight, super strength and the ability to talk to animals. That would make me Wonder Woman (keep that in mind for the future).

This past holiday season, I wanted to get my in-laws and my parents an amazing and unique gift – I wanted to give them portraits of all the kids in our family but dressed as comic book superheroes! As an artist, ideally I wanted to draw it myself, but as the mother of a rambunctious toddler WHO WILL NOT SIT DOWN EVER WHILE AWAKE, I knew I wouldn’t have the time. I (technically) could draw it myself, but as the comic book style isn’t my strength, it would take a long time for me to get it right. The smart thing to do would be to commission an artist who specializes in that style. So I commissioned my super talented cousin, Sonya Henar to draw our kid’s portrait! By the way, not only is she a stellar artist, but she’s also a fantastic singer.

Here is an example of a group superhero kids portrait of my nephews. Sonya can even draw your whole family if you asked her to!

Everyone loved them. Each superhero kid got their own personal picture to frame and put in their room, too! Check out more of Sonya’s work at www.sonyahenar.com and order a commission at her custom artwork site. I’m so proud of her. I like to pretend to think I taught her everything she knows, but I didn’t. That’s all her.

Donut’s Dog Birthday Cake RECIPE

Donut’s Dog Birthday Cake RECIPE

Looking for a dog birthday cake recipe? I got one for you!

But better than a cake, make them into cupcakes! This way you can share with friends!

Today is my dog Donut’s 10th birthday. This little fella and I have been through so much together. Moving from Los Angeles to Memphis to New Jersey then New York, he was by my side. He graciously (well, as graciously as he could) welcomed my husband and his dog Twister into our lives. Donut grieved hard when Twister passed away and offered his comfort to us in the weeks afterwards. We were nervous that he wouldn’t adjust well to the baby, but Donut surprised us all, and assumed his role as her protector and friend from day one. On our first day home, he sat in front of the rocking chair while I nursed her and wouldn’t let Daddy near us (still working on that, haha!). Today, he is her best friend and foot massager. I couldn’t have asked for a better big brother for my baby girl.

We are celebrating his birthday this upcoming Thursday. I plan on cooking him a special dinner and I will bake him some dog food cupcakes which we will share with his friends in the neighborhood: Doc, Rufus, Vader, Bruce and Cash. (Wow, I didn’t realize there were no female dogs living on our street!)

Here are a couple pictures from his 7th and 9th birthdays. Twister didn’t want to wait until the song was over, and two years later, neither did my daughter. I knew they were kindred spirits! My husband and I sometimes wonder how Twister would have acted if she’d been around when D was born. Donut probably wouldn’t have let Twister near her. D is, after all, HIS baby, haha!

Donut’s Dog Birthday (Cup)cake Recipe
Makes 5-6 regular sized cupcakes OR a bunch of mini cakes

Ingredients

  • 1 cup flour
  • 1 package of Little Cesar’s dog food
  • 2 eggs
  • 1/4 cup vegetable oil

(Optional)

  • 1/2 cup grated carrots
  • Cream cheese (for icing)

Directions

  • Preheat oven to 350.
  • Place flour in a large bowl.
  • In another bowl, whisk eggs and oil together.
  • Add dog food to egg and oil mixture and mix well, mash if necessary.
  • Mix in carrots or cheese (if desired) into egg mixture.
  • Add egg mixture into flour and stir to combine.
  • Place paper cupcake liners in 6 cups of a regular sized cupcake pan and fill halfway OR fill to top in a mini cupcake pan. Place in oven and bake for 12-15 minutes or until the internal temperature of the cakes reach 160.

NOTE – if making mini cupcakes, reduce cooking time to 10 minutes.
Ice with cream cheese if desired!

I hope your pups enjoy these!

NOTE – A previous version of this recipe called for baking powder which I have just realized is not safe for dogs. Though the amount that was in the original recipe was small, I no longer feel comfortable including it, so it has been omitted.

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